Changes part 4

You might need something to hold on to

When all the answers, they don't amount to much

Somebody that you could just to talk to

And a little of that Human Touch

Human Touch Bruce Springsteen

I blame all of this on Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks.  Stupid You've Got Mail.  Used to be you had friends.  You saw your friends and they saw you.  Was that good enough for Tom and Meg?  Noooooooo.  They had to go and make a movie about building a relationship via emails.  What's worse it was a romantic comedy (code words for chick flick).  People saw this monstrosity of a movie and thought "Hey, that looks cool!"  Soon relationships through emails gave way to relationships grown via Instant Messaging and Facebook and MySpace and Twitter and Skype.  All because of Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.  I hope they are still Sleepless in Seattle! 

Wow, I feel better.  Thanks for allowing me to vent.  Truth be told I am a big fan of social media.  I have been able to connect with people in ways that were simply impossible even five years ago.  Thanks to Facebook I have been able to find, and be found, by folks from all over the country.  I remember last fall when an old girl friend from high school asked to be my Facebook friend.  We had not seen each other in over twenty years.  It was great (for some reason my wife did not share my excitement about reconnecting with this long lost friend.  Wonder why?)

Because of the speed of the new social media communication is instantaneous.  Within fifteen minutes of my friend posting that his mother was in the hospital over thirty people had replied with words of comfort and support.  I have a "smart phone" (as opposed to a "stupid phone"?)  All of my emails and Facebook messages get pushed to my phone so I don't even have to be tethered to a computer to be in touch with people.  If I have a joy or concern or just want to post what I am thinking I can do so whenever and wherever I want (except, again, from church camp.)

Some people complain that too much irrelevant information is posted.  Do I really need to know what you had for dinner?  No, but relationships are nurtured by the seemingly meaningless details of life.  Think about all of the things we talk about with our co-workers.  We share vacation plans, updates on our kids health, and yes, what we eat.  So why should Facebook relationships be any different.

Of course, there is a shadow side to social media relationships.  It is called Farmville.  Or Vampire Wars.  Or a legion of other names that identify the games people play.  I hate them.  I resent having to be told about someones need for help building a virtual chick coop.  I grow weary of hitting the "Hide" button over and over again so I don't have to look at all of this stuff.  Yet, I am aware that these annoying games are, in their own sick sort of way, builders of relationships.  After all, many of them require help from friends in order to play. 

I think relationships built and/or sustained by social media are here to stay.  I don't have a problem with that fact.  I do, however, have a question.  When do we touch?  I am a physical person.  I like to touch.  I need to touch, human skin not plastic keypads.  I can hug my laptop, but it cannot hug me back.  Or hold my hand or give me a kiss. 

God created humans with a need for physical touch.  Even before we are old enough to know anything we crave being held.  Some of us require more touch than others, but every person I have ever met needs contact with other people.  I believe that social media has changed some aspects of our relationships but it will not alter this fact of human life.  If anything, our need for touch will alter social media.  How?  I don't have a clue.  But it will happen.  In the meantime I will continue to enjoy my relationships with friends old and new via the new social media, usually with one of my kids on my lap because they need to be held. 

Changes part 2

I have always been told that if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water it would jump out (what creature, given arms and or legs, would opt to stay in? Really). If, however, you put said amphibian in a pot of water and slowly turn up the heat the frog will not notice and boil to death. Hmmmm. This sounds like an urban legend. I have not met a single person who has ever tried this out. Why would you want to boil a frog anyway? I always thought you fried their legs.
This illustration has been used to explain a number of different things in our world including marriages (I know, the image of a frog slowly boiling to death in a pot of water is oh so romantic. I feel a Hallmark moment about to happen!) Yes, in some marriages there are major events that happen that can threaten the relationship (death of a child, infidelity, major illness). Yet, for most of us, the changes happen very slowly and without our noticing it our marriages slowly die out.
I think there might be some truth to this (the marriage part, not the frog). I remember a decent chunk of the day my wife and I got married. Her uncle is the one who performed the service. There were people there. My wife wore white. After that, it's a blur. I do, however, recall what I was thinking as her uncle was giving his homily (oh, like you paid attention to what the minister said at your wedding. Please.) I looked at my wife and thought "yeah, I can grow old with this person." What can I say, I'm a helpless romantic.
The problem is, that person I married on a cold December day is not the one I am married to now. Nor is she likely to be the one I will be enjoying senior discounts with in the not too distant future. Want to know something else - I am not the same person she married, either (though I still have my incredible green eyes that make me irresistible to her. Most of the time. Well, some of the time.)
In seventeen years we have lived in two countries, four states, had three children, changed jobs a number of times, each of us has had experiences with unemployment, buying houses, selling houses, and a couple of medical problems that, while not major, still mattered. Oh, and did I mention we have three kids. Only an idiot in his twenties could stand up on his wedding day and think that the person he was looking at was not going to be changed by life. And I am that idiot.
I am convinced that there are certain times in every relationship where you have to fall in love with your spouse all over again. Fall in love with the person they are now, not the one they used to be. Some people don't do this. They stay married, for their own reasons, but at some juncture they chose not to love the person they are married to. I am not judging those folks, but I can't do that. I really am a romantic. I want to be in love with my wife. And that means at various times in our life together I have had to fall in love with her. And she with me. It will happen again, somewhere down the road, maybe many more times in the future.
I also believe that we have to fall in love with God many times in our life. The Bible is full of marriage language to describe God's relationship with God's people. As I change so my understanding of God changes. At various points in my life I have had to come to grips with this "new" God, the one I did not know before. I have to be honest here, I have not always liked the new God, much less loved the new God. Not at first anyway. I want what is comfortable, predictable, familiar. I want God to stay the same as when we first met. But then I would be missing out on so much because the new God is full of so many surprises and wonders and levels of love I never knew before. So, I say turn up the heat and let the water boil. OK, maybe just warm it up, about hot tub temperature, if you will. But let the changes come.

Changes - part 1

I have always been a big fan of the Indiana Jones films. So, when a fourth film was released I made sure to go and see it during its first weekend at the theater. My first thought when they finally showed a close-up of Harrison Ford was "Wow, he looks old." I am not sure what I expected to see. It had been almost twenty years (that's two decades for those of you playing at home) since the third film was released. Surely, even in the age of computer imaging and touch-ups a man in his mid-sixties is going to look like a man in his mid-sixties.
Why did Harrison's Ford age and appearance matter? Well, for starters, our culture glorifies and worships youth. In some parts of the world you are not taken seriously until you have a few gray hairs and wrinkles on your face. Not so in the good ol' US of A. We value things that are new, fresh, unblemished even if that means untested and inexperienced. To see a sixty year old man up on the silver screen trying to play an action hero just seemed wrong. The key word here is seemed. There are no laws that say you can only save the world if you are under fifty. But our culture sure acts like it is a crime.
Another reason an aging Harrison Ford bothered me was because by getting older he had messed up our relationship. Indiana Jones and I started hanging out in 1981. My girlfriend at the time won tickets to the opening night premier of the movie. The theater was packed, the movie fantastic and I developed a serious love for that character (The girl? She and I broke up a few months later). I have all but memorized the lines to each of the first three films. Indiana Jones was always supposed to look like a handsome, rugged man in his thirties. Now he looked different, even sounded different. I want my original Indy back, the one I always wanted to be like (who did not qualify for an AARP card).
I have been thinking a lot about how relationships change. The person I married 17 years ago is not the one I woke up with this morning. My children are in a constant state of change and it seems I have to reinvent my relationship with them on a daily basis. All around me, everywhere I look in my life, relationships are changing. The question I am wrestling with is what to do about it. And is there any guidance that my faith can provide me as I attempt to be in a thousand every changing relationships? That is what I will be writing about over the next few days. Feel free to add your comments throughout the week.

Mailbag

Well, it seems that the mailbox is getting a little full so time to answer some emails.

Mary in Illinois writes:

Love the blog. I have a problem and wonder if you can help. My dog has gone off the deep end. I think he is possessed. He pees everywhere and tears up all of the furniture. How do I tell if he really is possessed by demons? If he is what can I do?

Mary, thanks. These are the tough hitting questions we like at The Blog. I have three children, all of which were toddlers which means I know all about demon possessions. Truly I tell you, evil spirits abound in 2 year-olds. Back in the old days sniffing out the possessed was fairly simple. If the community suspected that someone was consumed by an demon they held them underwater. The logic went something like this-if the person floated, they were possessed and they burned them at the stake. If they drowned, then they were fine. Except that either way they were now DEAD! I doubt this type of old school approach is what you are after (and PETA would be less than pleased). So, let us try a different tact. First, start by trying to identify any stress creators in your dogs life. Have you recently moved? Is the dog in the family way perhaps (I mean, your sure its a boy, right)? Do you dress the dog in "cute" outfits, thus humiliating it in front of its peers? If you answered yes to any of these, then that could be the cause of Fido's freaking out.

What if you cannot identify the root of the problem? I suppose you could try sprinkling it with holy water, though if Hollywood is correct, and I like to think that the movies never lie to us, then your dog might start smoking and wither away into a stinky pile of canine hair. Or, if you have endless financial resources you could hire the doggie equivalent of Dr. Phil.

Tough choices, I know. But that is the nature of relationships. To truly love someone (or in this case something) is to allow them into our lives where they have the potential to do all sorts of good and wondrous things. And to make a mess of the carpet. Relationships require lots of time and energy and there are some days when you wonder if it is really worth it (in the case of toddlers you ask yourself that question most days).

Relationships require at least two people (or a person and a dog..or a person and a cat...or a cat and a dog...). We can only control how we act and react in our relationships, we can't make other people behave the way we want them to. If they chose not to respect us, care for us, and honor who we are then we have to make difficult decisions. Do we continue in the relationship or end it. There is no right or wrong answer. You will have to determine how much damage is too much.

The good news is that no matter what you opt to do you have a community that supports you. Its called the church and it means that you are not alone. Your dog, however, I am not so sure about.

Do you have a question for The Blog? Send us an email at revroger@tds.net.