Evil (or not so evil) Ex's

I finally got around to watching Scott Pilgrim vs. the World a few weeks ago.  Yes, I know, it came out over the summer but I have been really busy.  Besides, that is why God invented DVD's.  If you have not seen Scott Pilgrim I highly recommend it.  It is one of those rare films when Hollywood fantasy actually nails human reality. 

The "hero" is a bit of a loser, a twentysomething who plays bass in a band, has no place of his own and is dating a high school student.  That is until he meets the girl of his dreams.  Literally, the girl he was dreaming about suddenly shows up in his life.  There is one small problem.  In order for Scott to make this relationship work he has to defeat, in mortal combat, his dream girl's seven evil ex's. 

The fantasy part of this flick is that every time Scott duels it is like a video game, complete with his adversaries turning into game tokens whenever he defeats them.  The reality is that Scott, and his would be girlfriend, each come with a past that has to be dealt with (yes, even one of Scott's old girlfriends shows up to create problems).

Call it "baggage" or whatever pop psychology term you like best, but all of us carry around the effects of previous relationships on our lives.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, for some of our relationships have been healthy, happy and a very positive influence on who we are and how we relate to other people.  Love, trust, respect, and compassion are not just ideas, they are lived and learned in relationship with other people.  Sometimes.  Suspicion, selfishness, indifference and even hatred are forged in the fires of dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships (and middle school).  And they linger around, ready to make a mess of any relationship at any time.

Perhaps you are one of those rare and fortunate individuals who has not been involved in a bad relationship.  Your parents loved and cared for you, your siblings got along, your teachers nurtured and encouraged you, you have not been stabbed in the back by your boss or coworkers, and you heart has never been broken by a lover.  If so, congrats!  You are most blessed (resented by many, but blessed). 

The rest of us...well, we have not been so lucky.  We know firsthand about abusive or absent parents, brothers and sisters who don't get along, educators who spent a lot of time telling us what we would never be able to accomplish, really messed up work environments, and love affairs that ended in a great deal of pain.  Truth be told, we have not just been the victims of bad relationships, but on a few occasions have been part of the reason they did not work out.

All of this - the good, the bad and the really ugly - impacts how we relate to other people in the here and now.  What I liked about Scott Pilgrim was the movie's playful, yet really insightful acknowledgement that we have to deal with other peoples previous relationships if we are going to have any sort of meaningful relationship with them ourselves.  Granted, most of the time we will not have to mortally wound the evil ex's (or parents, teachers, or coworkers) of those we care about.   But there are days when it feels like you are in pitched combat with old ghosts, ones you cannot see and don't always understand.

Scott is so smitten with his fantasy girl that he keeps fighting, even when he gets his butt kicked (check out the scene where Scott has to battle the vegan rock star.  Classic).  Yet, something about this girl makes it worth all the hassle.  In true Hollywood fashion, when all the dust settles, Scott emerges victorious and, of course, walks off hand in hand with his dream girl.  Oh, if life were so neat and tidy!

As I was watching Scott Pilgrim I kept thinking, "Would I really go through  all of this for a girl?"  Forget the girl, is any relationship worth fighting for?  Am I worth it to someone else?

I can, in all honesty, say that yes, I have spent the past 17 years dueling it out with my wife's evil ex's.  And she has been battling for me just as long (though I am sure there are days when it seems more like a million years).  Since we are being candid here I have to confess that there have been more than a few relationships that I failed to put up enough of a fight for.  For whatever reason (and I am sure at the time I thought I had a least one really good reason) I did not feel that the person was worth the effort.  It is cold and crass, but true.  There have been a number of people who have bailed on me as well (and one occasion when I got back into a relationship simply to pay the person back for dumping me.  Not one for the highlight reel).

What makes a relationship worth fighting for?  How do we determine whether someone is worthy of our strength and patience?   Is there a time when a relationship with another person is simply not possible, no matter how hard we work at it?  Are we always worth the effort?

There are truly abusive relationships that one or both parties should walk away from for their own health and safety.  Yet, on the whole, I think that the answers can be found in God's relationship with us.  Or, to put it another way, perhaps we should do to others as it has already been done to us.  I know, this sounds like the inside of some cheap greeting card.  And that is where it should stay, except that I can bear witness to the fact that God has indeed hung in there with me far longer than I could have ever hoped to imagine.  Through all of my miscues, mistakes, and out right stupidity God has refused to abandon me.  God continues to reach out to me, use me, call me, love me, "baggage" and all.  God keeps sending people into my life to help heal the wounds of past relationships and provides me opportunities to make right the people I have hurt.

In return, God asks that I extend the same willingness to battle to my relationships with other people.  And not just the people I love and care for, but also the ones who I just really don't like.  Especially the ones I really don't like.  It is not easy, but it is worthy it.  For I have discovered that it is often in the relationships that I truly want to bail on that I found love, hope, and compassion in greatest strength and measure.

Copyright  © 2010, Roger Burns-Watson, All Rights Reserved