Filling in the Blanks

I have been married to my wife for nearly 17 years. Like all good couples we have had our share of spats and disagreements and the occasional knock-down drag-out fight (none of which, I can assure you, were ever my fault). Most of these squabbles have long since faded from my memory but I still remember our first fight after we got married. It was over making the bed. I was right and while my wife never admitted it, she knew I was right as well.
I am not now, never have been, and never plan on being someone who makes my bed. I see no point in it. First off, aside from my immediate family, who is going to see what my bed looks like? Second, making the bed does not impact in any way I can measure the quality of my sleeping experience. Honestly. I sleep just as well whether it is made or unmade. Finally, and this is completely a personal preference, I like a little mess in my world. I am a "pile" person. I have stacks of stuff all over the place and I cannot remember the last time I saw the top of my desk. (I am, however, a freak about keeping the kitchen clean. Go figure.)
Being a "pile" person does not make me disorganized. On the contrary, I knew where things are. Until someone, I'm not naming names but my wife knows who she is, moves my piles (BTW, that was our second big fight, but that is a story for another day).
My significant other is not a "pile" person. She has this weird quirk, this need to have things look neat. Granted, with both of us working and three kids she is not as concerned about things looking tidy as she used to be. But the impulse is still there. Trust me. She is not cured, just in remission.
Back to the fight. We had just returned from our honeymoon and one morning my wife exploded. She was not, she told me, my maid. Did I think that just because we were married that she was going to go around a pick-up after me? No! If I wanted the bed made I was going to have to pitch in and help make it.
My first reaction, being a typically sensitive male, was to fight back. After all I felt ambushed. But in a rare moment of clarity and calmness (one of three I have had in my life) I asked her if she had ever seen me make my bed before me were married. Of course not. I shared with her that I did not expect her to make the bed and I did not need or want a maid. I was just as happy with it unmade.
Stunned silence followed (one of two times that has happened in my marriage). Turns out that my wife's anger had to do with her assuming what I was thinking. Rather than ask me why I did not make the bed she filled in the blanks and came up with the answer herself. I would love to say that I have never been guilty of doing the same thing, but I won't insult your intelligence. If I were a betting man (and I'm not because I always lose when I put money on something) I would wager that almost all of us have made assumptions about other peoples thoughts and feelings and that some of those assumptions have led to unnecessary fights and disagreements.
I will make another bet - we make assumptions not just in our relationships with other people but with God as well. Granted, understanding the mind of God is not easy. So, when something happens, or does not happen, we start filling in the blanks as to why God allowed, or prevented, an event from taking place. There are times when this approach can lead us to praise God but it can also lead us to feeling angry and frustrated.
This, my friends, is why we need each other, why we need faith communities. Over the years I have found that when I am feeling upset with God it is good to go and talk to someone about it. More often than not that person has been able to help me see that my anger is rooted in the assumptions I had been making about what God was thinking. And they have helped me see that there are other ways of understanding the way God works in my life. That is a real gift and it comes from God.